What's Next?!? Discernment in your 20's
We are up to our eyeballs in 20-somethings in transition. With 3 young adults of our own and meeting with the dozen or so of their friends who were traveling through Europe this spring/summer, we are spending a lot of time talking about discernment. This is the first in a few posts I’m writing to all you 20 somethings out there.
We like to think of the 20s as this fun, carefree season before we are straddled with careers, mortgages, and needs of children. But the truth is that the 20’s is one of the most intense decades on the developmental timeline. This is a decade filled with major life decisions, and many of them are weighty. Young adults are trying to figure out:
Where do I live?
What do I want to do for a career?
Should I take out debt for school?
Who or when should I marry?
What do I believe about God, the world, and myself?
More than one 20 something has said to me, “I thought the 20’s would be more fun!” You are not crazy, kids — the 20’s is INTENSE.
Multiple times in your life, starting in your 20’s, you will be at a crossroads, asking the question, “What next?!” (And usually you have an group there with you — chiming in their opinions!)
So, how exactly do you approach the discerning of these major decisions? It might help to know there are different phases in the discernment process. You don’t go from no idea what to do to clarity on your next step immediately. Most of the time there are phases you will see-saw back and forth through until you land on your decision.
It starts with an ENDING. Usually discernment begins with an ending of one season and the start of another. You’ve graduated from high school or university. You’ve ended a relationship. You quit a job or got laid off. You are deciding where you want to live and form community. You tried a certain job and hated it.
But the old and new will all blur together in a jumble of emotions: excitement, sadness, anticipation, fear. You’re letting go of one thing and trying to grab ahold of something new. Even when changes are anticipated and hopeful, change is still destabilizing.
Or maybe there’s not a clear ending, but you are sensing you need a change. Restlessness is often a sign that an ending may be coming — your heart is giving you cues that it’s time for a change. (See my post about restlessness here.)
Pause to take a breath. Sometimes your next thing is clear, and you dive right in. But other times, you may not yet be clear about what is next. Give yourself permission to take a pause before making any major decision. If you have the luxury of a complete pause (rest and regroup), that’s ideal. But most of us will need a job to pay the bills while we are discerning next steps.
It may take courage to take a pause. We recently had a new college graduate here for a few weeks to discern what is next. There was quite a battle internally for her to take this pause: anxiety over not making money for a month, fears of looking like a slacker, pressure to feel like she knew what she was doing with her life. But in order to discern well, she needed to give her body and mind a rest.
Use this time to take stock of where you want to go next. We can easily let our steps be determined by the immediate need without pausing to think through a long-term plan. This will involve looking at your needs and your longings. (More on needs and longings in a later post).
Receive the In-Between Jobs… But the reality is that most people will have to work and take a pause, so you’ll be looking for a temporary job for the in-between. And no, this job probably won’t be your long-term role or life passion.
You will not reach your long term goals without some boring but necessary stages in between. And the 20’s has a LOT of the necessary stages that aren’t so glamorous. You may be taking a job for which you are overqualified. You may have to take a role that is not in your field. You may need to take a good paying job to save for your next steps.
Expect to have these random jobs on and off through your 20’s — delivering pizzas, being a barista, serving as a nanny, doing an entry level job to get experience — these are necessary and normal jobs in your in-between phases, not a sign that you don’t have what it takes to make it.
The Exploration Phase. Often you will need a season of information gathering to figure out what your options are. This might include: gathering logistical information, having relevant conversations, and evaluating the costs/benefits of making a particular move.
Set a specific time for your exploration. Putting a time frame on your information gathering is both motivating and helpful when trying to explain to others what you are doing with your life. Instead of saying, “I don’t really know what I’m doing next…”, you can say, “I’m gathering information this next six months about my options, before I jump into the next thing.”
Our latest college graduate is taking this fall to actively explore graduate school options. She is researching schools, scheduling conversations with people in her field of interest, and finding out how financial aid will work in graduate school. Meanwhile, she’s serving up Pumpkin Spice Lattes at Starbucks and saving money.
Exploring can take a while, be patient. And if you get stuck — you may need someone else help you with the exploration process.
The Try it On Phase. Sometimes we will need to take a few steps down one particular pathway in order to see if that will be a fit. Particularly in our 20’s, we don’t know ourselves well enough or have enough life experience to discern without trying it for ourselves.
One of our interns, Kat, came to us in having graduated with a degree in psychology. As is the case with many of the social science degrees, she knew she needed further education, but wasn’t really sure psychology was the right fit. Kat was also gifted artist who happened to love children. For a few years, she explored becoming an art teacher with children. She quickly realized she enjoyed making the art herself more than overseeing groups of rowdy school-aged children flinging paint. She did not know that she wouldn’t want to teach children until she tried it on. After a stint working in women’s shelter, she became passionate about using art to process trauma. But the end of her 20’s, she was an art therapist.
You will learn more about yourself and your calling in your 20s from negative experiences than you will through your successes. Those closed doors are important discoveries, rarely will we find our pathways without a few ‘failures’ along the way.
Then You Loop through the Phases Again. Discernment isn’t as linear as it sounds. You will be passing through these phases (not necessarily in a particular order), looping through them over and over until you find the pathway forward.
Ending…. Exploration… In Between Jobs… Try it On
Learning how to discern well is one of the key tasks of the 20’s. Believe it or not, the process of discernment is just as forming as the actual decision you make. You will learn more about yourself, your motivations, and the places you will need healing and growth. (See my post on Angst and Exploration in your 20’s here).
More than anything, you need to know: the 20’s is a decade of more wandering and exploring than making a decisive bee-line for your destiny. You are NOT floundering — you are normal!