Walking with the "Anxious Generation"

They are calling this the “Anxious Generation.” I know few people who don’t have a young adult in their life who is struggling with anxiety, depression, or some other mental health issue.

Often at our retreats, we are trying to get people my age (50 and beyond), to slow down and pay attention to what is happening in their hearts.  Sometimes we have to even give them a feelings chart to help them get in touch with what they feel.

But the younger generations? They got the language of the heart nailed. They can name their feelings like the colors of the rainbow. They can tell you when something is even a hint ‘toxic’ and can name whatever disorder you or they might have because they googled it or learned it on TikTok.

Last month when my daughter found the house phone in the refrigerator, she said, “Don’t worry mom, we are a neuro-divergent household. That stuff happens. No shame.”  (Meaning half the family has ADHD so we do weird stuff.)

Emotions have been given incredible power and license in the lives of our young adults, and it’s affecting their launch into adulthood. They have learned to give voice to their emotions, but haven’t figured out how to let them overrun their lives.

Before we get too critical of our 20 somethings, let’s consider a few of the factors that have added to their anxiety issues.

Technological age… We can’t yet grasp the implications of how technology like screens from infancy, constant phone use, and extensive gaming, has shaped the brain formation of this generation. But when the bulk of their lives are lived as by-standers looking into a virtual world, they will have missed out on some basic skill development and therefore, the formation of neural pathways that need to be forged.

One of my friends talked about the difference in anxiety levels in learning to drive between her oldest child and youngest child. The oldest, who was raised in the pre- cell phone era, sat in the front seat, watching the streets they took, learning about different rules of the road vicariously as a passenger. But her youngest sat in the back, looking at his phone all the way to school. He anxiously dragged his feet to get his license, because he hadn’t been paying attention, and all of the sudden it felt like too big of a responsibility to be driving.

Living in the Information Age has lured us into thinking that gaining information is the same as gaining experience. Watching a video about brain surgery doesn’t make you a brain surgeon. Having language about emotional health does not make you emotionally resilient. There are skills that are only learned by walking through something.

The generational over-correction… We are living out a classic pendulum swing. We’ve gone from ignoring emotions to giving them incredible power. And yes, we didn’t help them push through the uncomfortable feelings at times which has affected some of their resilience. In the effort to shield our kids from suffering, we’ve actually prevented them from some of the life skills they needed to build. So they are learning them NOW in adulthood.

Or maybe your family refused to indulge in the societal swing, and didn’t honor emotions well, and now your kids are adults learning it’s okay to acknowledge their inner world. But they are overwhelmed and unsure to do with what they feel.

Global anxiety… Having a global pandemic in their formative years has imprinted on our children. Just like the Great Depression generation was forever jittery about job security and preparing for a possible economic collapse, this generation will probably have some affects as well. We can already see this in some of the educational delays, social anxiety, and feeling overrun by external variables.

This is not to say that there will not be gains from this season, but it may take a while to be seen. Right now we are seeing more of the negative effects.

The struggle is real. Economic realities are not the same as they were for earlier generations in their 20’s. Consumer Affairs article, “Comparing Costs by Generation,” outlines how incomes are less, the housing market is nearly double costs from 1970, and inflation is disproportionately affecting those entering the work force. Honestly, livable wages are sometimes not really livable. This means it will take longer for them to get economic traction for building an adult life.

So how can we come alongside our anxious young adults?

Hold your judgement.  We all bear responsibility in how this generation has turned out, and they have been shaped by a different world. Let’s give them grace that they have inherited some of these problems, and it’s not all their fault.

Our running critique of how much we were already doing by their age isn’t helpful. Nor is sweeping, simplified counsel like:  “Just push through!”

They are riding a steep learning curve here in their 20’s. We need to ask more questions about what this is like. Give them the space to learn (and fail). There is a way to both validate their struggle AND send the message that we know they are going to get there.

There are some delays in development. Research is indicating that many of the adult development milestones are being delayed. The Scientific American journal details in their article, “Extended Adolescence: When 25 is the New 18”, that adult milestones such as driving, first jobs, buying homes, and sexual activity are being delayed closer to the mid-20’s.

We can think about this not just as delayed adulthood but elongated adolescence. This means your young adult may not be launching well until closer to the middle of the 20’s. This is a particularly true the more affluent you are. Young adults from lower income families often have to step into adult responsibilities earlier, as they may not have someone with financial resources to help them out.

They will need help giving the right weight to their emotions.

I truly believe emotional awareness will become one of this generation’s strengths.  But they are in the season of learning exactly how much power our emotions are intended to hold.

Not all anxiety is created equal.

There is anxiety that is speaking to deeper issues of trauma and mental health;

…and anxiety that needs to be processed and walked through;

…and anxiety that needs to be shut down.

And it’s going to take a while to figure out which is which. (More of this in a later post for the 20 somethings.) Again, let’s give them time and let them know they are going to figure this out.

They need more support. This generation may be one of the most self-aware generations that has ever lived, and this will become one of their strengths, especially if we can help them grow into emotional strength.

What they need is not our pat answers, they can get answers from Goggle. What they need in their 20’s are relationships with others who can talk them through their crisis and how to navigate the difficulties they are facing.

Ironically, we, as parents, might not be the best people to give them the support.

A friend shared with me that she had learned to delay responding to some of her daughter’s frantic texts for a few hours, and often her daughter had figured out what to do on her own. We need to encourage them to find other friends and mentors to help in these growth moments, which might require us to be less available.

One of the tasks of the 20’s is expanding your network of resources: friends, mentors, peers, counselors. Continuing to point them to towards others will be important at this stage.

But they are going to struggle. If we have a collective parenting failure in the USA, it would be that we over-protected our kids from suffering. And often in families, there is one child we protect more than other, that tugs at your heart more than the others— maybe they have had health issues or mental health struggles, or addiction issues.

Our growth edge as parents is to NOT intervene to shortcircuit the skills that they are developing. We have had a part in some of their delays, and we will continue to keep them from health if we are rescuing too much. I’m not saying never intervene, particularly with an adult child who is in crisis, but it will take discernment on our part to figure out if it’s a real crisis.

They will find Jesus in their anxiety. I wish it was as simple as we turn to Jesus and He takes away our anxiety. That sometimes does happen, particularly if the anxiety has a spiritual root, but unfortunately, having Jesus doesn’t circumvent the human need to develop emotional maturity. Emotional muscles need to be built, with or without Jesus.

But they can find Jesus in the valleys as well. Our kids are cutting their spiritual teeth in a world filled with anxiety and strife, but this provides the perfect opportunity for them to build from young adulthood on foundations of Jesus as their Comforter and Strength.

Let’s pray that God would overturn this spiritual strategy against our sons and daughters. Let’s pray that as they fight hard in their 20’s to gain the emotional strength to rise up and throw off the spirit of anxiety, they will be better equipped to bring God’s Kingdom to their generation.