When Your Biggest Disappointment in 2020 is Yourself

2020 has been a year of disappointments for most of us (and they’ve continued into 2021!). I don’t know one person who isn’t grieving major losses in 2020. Big losses. Small losses. Personal losses. Community losses. All kinds of losses.

So when the pastor in the sermon before New Year’s Day asked us to sit with the question, “What is it God is asking you to grieve at the end of this year?” I was surprised when nothing specific came to mind.

Oh, we’ve had losses. We missed weddings and graduations. We shuffled from home to home when stuck in the USA for 8 ½ months of the year. We had a daughter lose an alarming amount of weight from health issues. And we’ve certainly grieved the political divisions, racial schisms, and financial fallout of the pandemic on so many families. We’ve been disappointed in 2020… often.

But I realized those losses were dealt with in real time. We took the time to stop, acknowledge, and grieve the disappointments as they came.

So I sat longer with the question — what do I still need to grieve? Then, I felt a wave a sadness wash over me. My mind began to fill with all the ways I didn’t walk things well in 2020: I ate way too much sugar. I’ve not made much progress on my writing projects. I’ve struggled to stay motivated with work and extended relationships. I spent too many hours on my phone, and not much time in quiet. I spent too much money on Christmas to make everyone feel better. I’ve fixated on my kids’ lives because I didn’t want to deal with my own. I’ve spent way too much mental energy trying to strategize our way out of the constant uncertainty (i.e. a nice way of saying I worried a lot).

Sigh.

For some of us, it’s not just the adversities we’ve faced in 2020 which weigh on us, it’s our response to adversity. We expect better from ourselves. We have spiritual resources to do better than we’ve done. Too often we’ve been in the trenches in 2020, eating chocolate and watching youtube— anything to keep our mind off what’s happening on the front lines.

How do we grieve the disappointment we feel in ourselves? When we look our brokenness right in the face, and don’t try to excuse it away by stress or crisis?

My ‘old way’ of life would be to spiral into anxiety and guilt —which is not helpful, nor of God. And the current method on offer in our culture is to explain away our behavior by calling it “survival mode” or “coping mechanisms” which can short-circuit the process of healthy repentance if we deny the sin part that is mixed in. Covering our failures with a cheap grace means they will surface again at times of failure or vulnerability, because we’ve not really acknowledged the truth about our sin.

But I’ve discovered that there is a difference between examining myself and allowing GOD to examine me. How many times have I read the verse in Psalm 139:23, “Search me, O God… and see if there is any offensive way in me…” and immediately jumped to examining myself? God needs to do the searching, not me.

One prayer exercise that has helped pull me from the spiral of self-condemnation is to actually take time to contrast how I see myself with how God sees me. We essentially ask God for two different pictures in our mind’s eye:

First, search your own heart. How do you see yourself? Is there an image or picture that forms in your mind’s eye? Sit with that picture for a while— what is it capturing about your current situation? What emotions come up as you see yourself?

Second, allow God to search you. Now, how does GOD see you? See if a different image comes to mind. How is this picture different from the view you have of yourself? What emotions come up for you as you see yourself through the Father’s eyes?

Here are some my contrasting pictures from 2020…

How I saw myself (in early December when overwhelmed by the needs of 3 members of my family with covid and the expectations from work and extended family): I was on a paddle board, desperately trying to keep my balance. Multiple people were swimming around me, trying to grab onto my board, repeatedly knocking me off balance. I was exhausted.

How God saw me… The image of a sculpture called “the sheltering Mary” came to mind which depicts Mary, the mother of Jesus, enveloped in a huge cloak opened to harbor a myriad of different people — the poor, a nun, a friend, a child. She was filled with joy, relaxed— unanxious as she sheltered many under her care. With this image, God invited me to just open my arms to shelter whoever fit.

How I saw myself (as I struggled with unproductivity and lack of achievement in lock-down)… I was in a pack of bikers in a race, and clearly not performing well. I wasn’t leading. I wasn’t fit. I wasn’t going to win the race. I felt like giving up. (A little window in the anxieties of an over-achiever in lockdown - ha!)

How God saw me… I was on an alpine trail, a long journey climbing towards excellence and holiness. On the path were footprints of the saints who had gone before me— some recent, others that were centuries old. There was no competition with others. There was no anxiety or pressure to perform. I had a contentment that I was on the right path, and in fact, was strangely able to fellowship and learn from the saints who had gone before me.

When we allow God to search us, it’s very different than when WE search ourselves. When we are physically compromised (ie. hormonal, sick, tired) or emotionally compromised (i.e. depressed, anxious, under stress), we will not be seeing ourselves clearly. Like looking in a circus mirror, the truth is distorted into an unflattering image nowhere near reality. This prayer exercise allows us space to ask God for the true mirror as seen in His eyes, not the distorted images we have of ourselves.

As I reviewed my list of shortcomings for 2020, I saw myself almost exactly as I looked in that moment: frazzled, in 3 day old pajamas, battle weary from the year, discouraged, and anxious because the end of the 2020 isn’t the end of this global storm.

But here’s how God saw me at the end of 2020: I was a patient on the doctor’s table. The doctor’s exam was over and he was giving me the report. (I wrote them down as I ‘heard’ them.)

Amy, you’ve had a rough year. You’re showing signs of wear and tear that are expected in rough terrain. But your systems are sound. You’ve got some tweaks to make.

You are not as good as multi-tasking when you are under stress. You just won’t get as much done.
Food and shopping will not bring you lasting comfort. There’s an ache there that needs a different medicine.
Sugar is not helping you emotionally or physically. And it’s numbing you the ways I want to speak and minister to you.
You’ve filled your mind with a lot of news and books (murder mysteries) this year. It doesn’t all need to stop but you need to diversify your reading — it’s all pretty dark.

Don’t be so anxious! We got this. I am with you. I’m not disappointed in you. But I long to meet you in this place. Return to me. My arms are wide open! Cast yourself into the ocean of my grace. Rinse off. Refresh in my acceptance of you — the good and the bad. Relax into my love.

I love how God speaks truth without shaming me. His kindness actually makes me want to choose differently. Not because I need to get my act together and ‘do it right’, but because He’s offering me something more. Something better.

Take time this new year to ask God, ‘how do YOU see me?’ He won’t gloss over our failures nor condemn us for our humanity; but His love and affirmation is almost always bigger than our mistakes.

May we live into how God really sees us in this coming year.

Search me, God, and know my heart;

test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me,

and lead me in the way everlasting.

Psalm 139:23-24