Choosing Postures over Positions this Holiday Season
’Tis the season to navigate holiday dynamics! You know what that looks like…
Family members with diverse political and religious views
Young adults coming home and needing to differentiate from their families
Tension when someone brings up something controversial
Families who parent very differently than you do
Awkwardness when you feel so misunderstood at your own family table
The helplessness you feel when you feel like someone is so blinded to their own issues
As someone traveling in and out of the USA, I have felt the difference in America over the past 14 years— the spirit of division is almost palpable. People on both sides walk into conversations with guns blazing. Active listening is almost non-existent; everyone is focused on their own position.
Among the more frightening effects of this polarization is that people are sinking further and further into their own camps. We have lost the ability to navigate diversity with grace and it’s destroying communities.
If you want to be an agent of change, then start in your own home. You may not be able to change what’s happening in the wider culture, but you have control over what happens under your own roof. How are you going to navigate diversity in your own home? How can your home can become a meeting ground instead of a battleground?
May I offer you a way to navigate differences differently this holiday season?
A friend of mine has been in a painful season with one of her adult children. They have ended up on opposite sides of nearly every topic: politics, religion, sexuality, etc. But somehow she has managed to stay soft-hearted and connected to her despite their differences. When I asked her how they were navigating such extremes, she said:
She said, “I just have to focus on my posture and not my position. She knows my position and we believe differently. So I keep asking God, “What do you want my posture to be towards my adult child at this moment?”
Think about how different a Posture is from a Position. A position is fixed and immovable. A posture is flexible and responsive. So for those of you who don’t want to “compromise” on your position, you need to know that you can hold your position from many different postures.
So there is your million dollar question for this holiday season… what is your POSTURE to be towards others in this holiday season?
When you are walking into a difficult conversation with someone
When I gather those around my table who believe so differently than me
When I hear someone say something I completely disagree with
When you have just been disrespected by someone in your own home
And if you are not certain what posture to take, I offer you three that cannot go wrong.
1). A Posture of Blessing…
My prayer is that whenever people come into our home, they receive a blessing over who God made them to be. Can you look past your differences and the way others are expressing them to see the person underneath? What can you BLESS about this person?
What seeds of their calling are imbedded in these things they are passionate about? Can you bless someone’s:
Concern for the marginalized
Whole-hearted commitment to their beliefs
Love of country
Compassion for those who are hurting
Courage to rock the boat
Exploration to make their faith their own
You don’t have to agree with everything someone believes in order to bless them.
2). A Posture of Humility…
More and more, I believe we have to bring humility into our differences. Usually each person is holding some truths in their position. We all need to admit that our position is one perspective — one piece of the truth. You can still hold that position — but from a posture of humility.
What does this mean? You may not ‘win’ the conversation. You may have to be quiet instead of argue back. You may have to admit —they are holding some truths too. You will need to ask questions and listen more. You may need to hold your tongue.
3). A Posture that Counters the Negative… If you sense conversations going south and moving into hatred, prejudice, judgement, hurt, fear, or anger. Don’t respond in kind— move in with the opposite spirit.
Move in hope against despair… “I love you and I think we can figure out how to love each other even though we believe differently.”
Move in love against hatred… “Please don’t use those terms. We are not going to talk about other people/groups that way here in our home.”
Move in reconciliation instead of defensiveness… “I’m sorry I was defensive. I can see that I’ve really hurt you. Tell me more about how you experienced me…”
Move in gentleness instead of harsh and divisive words … I am open to us having these conversations, but we are not going to make sweeping generalizations and inflammatory remarks.”
It IS possible to believe differently and love each other well. I lived it. My dad was a pro-choice, liberal democrat while my mom was a pro-life, conservative republican. My dad was always bringing in his latest New Age philosophy, and my mom was slipping us Bible verses in our lunch boxes. We spanned the spectrum of positions at our table.
We had a lot of intense conversations, but at the end of the day, we were family. We loved each other. We gave each other space to process and struggle, and say things politically incorrect, while we were figuring out where we stood on things. But we also apologized when we crossed a line. Our posture always ended in love.
To all my principled friends out there who are afraid of giving ground on some particular issue— explore holding that position from a different posture this holiday season. You may find people more receptive to hearing what you have to say.